It all began a couple of days ago,
or was it yesterday?
It seems like an eternity.
A typical spring day on a typical American campus
Lavatoire College,
well not entirely typical,
this was after all the day before Hog Day
and some of the students had already started to go crazy.
Little did I know how crazy it would get for me.
It was also the day before endowment day.
That's President Grimshaw
announcing the new building project
with his brother in law, the contractor.
A certain Madeline Eloise Lavatoire,
the only living descendant of the founder
was flying in the next day to pick up the tab.
Some old babe from France, or so they said,
easy fellows, not yet.
But my story begins that night.
I somehow found myself in the president's office
working late on
important extracurricular activities.
Yeah, that's me, Billy Batson,
Mr. One track mind.
The girl is Judy Hightower,
sorority queen and straight A student.
If she seems a little nervous,
she's got a lot on her mind.
Tomorrow is the big endowment ceremony
and she's in charge of the arrangements.
I told her I'd help her out.
Hey, that's the kind of guy I am.
So, comfortable?
- Well as comfortable as I can be
considering we're not supposed to be
in President Grimshaw's office after hours.
- Don't you remember what Grimshaw said?
"The door to this office is always open
to any student of Lavatoire College."
He didn't say he had to be here.
- And he didn't say that you should bribe the janitor
to let you in if he wasn't.
- Don't be nervous,
we're the only two souls in the building.
- Yeah and if someone does come in,
we can just tell them that we're working late,
working for the Endowment Committee, can't we?
- That's right
and they'll say, "That's school spirit."
They don't have to know that we weren't working at all.
I've been looking forward to being alone with you.
I've been waiting months for this.
We may never have this chance again.
- Billy, not there, that tickles.
Maybe we should work.
- Judy, what's there left to do?
You've done a fantastic job getting everything ready,
everybody's happy.
President Grimshaw's happy,
you're happy, I'm happy.
I'm so happy.
- Billy, stop, listen,
now I don't want you to take this personally
but any kind of a relationship now
with someone who has such a bad reputation
could really be disastrous.
- Oh no, I'd survive.
- I'm talking about me.
I just can't risk so much at stake,
my fellowship and all the recommendations and law school.
I mean you're an intelligent guy, Billy,
and maybe if things were different
but if anybody could see me right now I'd lose everything.
So maybe I just better leave while there's still time.
- There's plenty of time.
- Billy, wait.
- Yes?
- Do you have a thing?
- Yes, I have a thing.
- No not that thing, the other thing.
- What other thing?
- You know, protection?
- A rubber?
Do I have a rubber?
Of course not.
What would you think
if I pulled a rubber out of my pocket right now?
You'd think I was trying to seduce you for Christ's sake
instead of this spontaneous, once in a lifetime opportunity
for a beautiful and genuine experience
shared by two people
irresistibly attracted to each other.
- No, that's not what I meant.
I just, I thought maybe you might have one.
We have to have something.
- Well, the odds against anything happening are so great,
it'd take a miracle.
- I'm sorry, Billy, but there's no way.
- Grimshaw's gotta have one.
- Maybe some other time.
- I'll be right back, the drug store's still open.
- It's too late, they're closed.
- I can think of one other place, nurse this.
I'll be back in 10 minutes, think of me.
- Bill Batson, my man.
- Barducci, what luck.
Listen.
- Rubbers, oh sorry my man.
- Why don't you tie it in a knot, Batson?
- I'll do it for you, Billy.
- Yo, try some saran wrap.
- Does that work?
- Ah.
- All right.
Ah.
- Doctor, we've got a beat.
- It's no good, his pupils are blown.
Somebody close that door.
- Do you want to take him down to surgery?
- No, it's already been too long.
Well, that's it, he's not gonna come through.
- I can connect the respirator.
- No, leave him alone,
maybe we'll get a transplant request.
Your hair looks terrific.
- Sure does. - I'll try to notify
his family.
- Don't bother, he doesn't have any.
- Hold it, they can't give up,
what happened, what's this?
- You fought the good fight, Billy
but that's all she wrote.
Don't you remember me?
Uncle Pinky, good old Pinky Batson.
- Uncle Pinky Batson.
- Right.
- You gave me my first beer.
I must've been four years old at a picnic.
- You remember, that's great.
- But you died.
- Yeah, about a year later,
too much booze, too may broads,
the old Batson curse, Billy.
- But if you're dead...
- That makes two of us, pal.
Don't be sore, it ain't so bad.
Now come on, we gotta go.
- Go where?
- You'll be surprised, Billy.
See when they send somebody to pick you up,
it's gotta be somebody that you know and like
and you being a young fella and all,
they send somebody from the family.
- This is crazy, I can't be dead, it's absurd.
- There's nothing I can do about it Billy, nothing at all.
- Look, all I need is one more day, Pinky,
that's all I need.
Tell him you couldn't find me,
tell 'em I ran away.
Yeah.
- You want to blow it?
You made it, my boy, you made it.
Now cheer up, it's out of my hands.
Now we're gonna walk down
to that nice white light at the end of the hallway.
And once we get inside,
you're gonna hear the prettiest music you ever heard
and then the really spectacular part.
Oh, would you get a load of that.
Billy, I've been away too long, pal.
Listen, I can still get you through the door on time.
You stay right here,
I'll be back in a minute.
Now don't go anywhere, alright?
- Okay.
- Excuse me, dear. - Uh huh.
- My name is Pinkerton Batson.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
- Well I don't- - You look so familiar.
Have you ever been-
- All right.
- You could be my next cover girl.
- Hey, listen,
I'm telling you the truth, you could be.
- Come on. - I'm not kidding you.
I mean it.
It's simple dear,
I'll have my chauffeur pick us up
and in two hours we'll be at the airport.
Tomorrow morning, we'll be in Paris.
- What is your name again?
- Batson, as in Batson Oil.
- What about my passport?
Won't we have to stop at my place?
- Oh, I almost forgot about that.
You don't live far from here do you?
- No, right around the corner.
- Oh, that's terrific.
- Now I wonder what I can pack?
I don't really have the right things
but maybe we could stop at Saks on the way to the airport?
- We're waiting for you.
- I'll be right with you, boss.
Where's the boy?
I just saw him.
As soon as he shows up, we'll be on our way.
- But where is he?
Didn't you greet him at bedside?
- I certainly did boss, just like you told me.
He must've stepped out for a minute.
He'll be here, he'll be here.
- You incompetent dribbling baboon.
I don't know why we sent you on this pickup.
- He'll be here, where could he go?
- Well, what are you waiting for?
He's obviously at the hospital,
you'll have to find him.
- Now boss?
- Now or else.
- Good idea.
- You have your choice
of the finest of our cigars,
why do you insist on those awful ones?
- I like 'em.
- Oh, get going.
- I never saw anyone brain dead with a hard on.
- I guess you never met my boyfriend.
- Billy!
- Shh, I'm back, mission accomplished.
- Oh God, you can't be doing this,
this is a sorority.
- It's better than Grimshaw's office
and as I've always suspected,
you look much sexier in bed like this.
This is a little token of my esteem.
- Put that away!
Billy, last night, whatever happened,
if I gave you the wrong idea it was just the wine.
There is absolutely nothing between us.
Last night doesn't mean a thing.
Oh, I've got class in 15 minutes,
you've got to get out of here.
- Shh, you'll wake Kendall.
Listen, what's the rush?
You got 10 minutes.
I got my car outside,
I'll drive you to class.
- Please, I have to get dressed.
- It's okay, I'll stay out of your way.
- I'll meet you outside
and watch out for Mrs. Kingman.
If she sees you in the hall,
we'll both be thrown out of school.
- Judy, if you only knew what I went through to get here.
Judy, look, can we talk about this?
Judy, Judy!
- Cindy, is that you?
- Sorry, didn't want anybody to see me.
- I can't believe you're still in your pajamas.
- Hey, Hugh Hefner wears 'em.
Look at all the girls he's got.
Why don't you cut class,
we'll go get some breakfast, take a little ride
and I'll get you back in time
to pick up Lavatoire at the airport?
- Uh uh, not this class,
I need Professor Sylvester's letter of recommendation
if I want the Lavatoire at Oxford Fellowship.
- Have it your way,
I'll go home and change into something less comfortable
and pick you up right after class.
- Look, I really appreciate it, Billy,
but I am awfully busy
and you must have things to do.
- No, no, I don't mind,
don't worry about old Billy Batson.
- Thank you, Batson, I'll take over now.
- Hello Greg.
- What's he doing here?
- He's in the class, Billy.
If you ever came to class, you'd know that.
- Nice car, Batson.
Who's is it?
- I don't know, I stole it.
- Always a joker.
Come along, Judy, we don't want to be late.
- Hey Judy, see you in about an hour.
Ay, ay, ay.
Yah.
Christ, this place...
Ah.
Lasky, wake up, wake up.
Wake up.
Lasky, rise and shine.
- Let me sleep.
- Lasky, this is no place for idleness and slug events.
Do your sleeping in class like the rest of us.
This is yours I presume.
Ah.
Well, it is Hog Day.
Yah.
Alright, listen, we gotta get out of here for a couple hours
and you gotta get out of here immediately.
I got to have the house this morning.
- I'm hungry.
You missed one hell of a feast last night.
Where were you, Billy?
- I was on a date
and technically, I'm still on that date.
She's gonna be here in 45 minutes
and you aren't.
- This stuff stays pretty fresh.
So who's the girl?
- Lasky, be a sport
and pick up your side of the room.
- Never heard of cleaning up on Hog Day.
- Come on, please.
Lasky, get out of here
and get yourself cleaned up.
- In a minute.
I don't want to work too hard right after eating.
I might get a cramp
and then I'd have to go back to bed.
- No.
- Rita, how 'bout knocking before you walk in?
- Yeah, I heard you guys kicking around
and I was just wondering what was going on?
- Billy's bringing a girl home.
- Well, who is it this time?
- Yeah, Billy, who is it?
- Never mind.
- So, who is it? - Who's left?
- I can't think of anyone.
- The only one left is you.
- Not me, I'm saving myself for someone.
- Hey, Billy, Rita came up with a great idea
to get some extra refreshments for the Hog Out tonight.
When the catering guys- - Give me that.
- Arrive this afternoon,
she's going to pretend she's Judy Hightower
and she's gonna have 'em drive over-
- Now's the perfect opportunity,
he's tired, hungry and horny.
Go get him and take him downstairs
after we get this place cleaned up.
Here, no here.
- Which the kaiser had guaranteed
in a telegram of 1912
and again in private negotiations with the French in 1914.
- That's right, Mrs. Hightower
and since obviously none of the rest of you knows
or cares where Belgium is,
we might check the map
to see where in relationship to Germany-
I think that's enough for today.
- Let me ask him about your recommendation.
It's always easier helping out a good friend.
Stimulating lecture, sir.
I'd also like to ask you-
- Fuck off, Constable,
you little suck ass.
- Right, okay.
Uh...
Today's not such a good day,
he's got a lot on his mind.
Shall we?
- Yes.
- What were you doing with Batson?
- Oh, he gave me a ride to class.
I appreciate a nice gesture like that.
- Yes, but from a loser like Batson?
Batson's existence on this campus
is a slap in the face
to every man and woman who take their education seriously.
- I'm sure he would agree with you.
- Yes, 'cause only an immature moron like that would.
You just have to look at him
to see that he's feeble minded.
Then again, what do you expect?
His background, those clothes he wears,
his friends, the perpetually stupid look on his face.
- Now have you done everything that I've given you to do
for the endowment ceremony tonight?
- Of course, I got your string trio.
They're a tad sloppy with some of the Brahms
but if they play poorly,
well, they won't get paid.
They don't give you much for your money
in these things, do they?
- Greg, you might want something
with a little less caffeine.
- That's a good idea.
Caffeine doesn't usually do that to me.
Perhaps some yogurt or some chili or something.
- If I can just make this endowment ceremony tomorrow,
they'll have to give me that summer Oxford Fellowship.
- Judy, I'll help you any way I can, you know that.
Hi, how are you, good to see you.
You must be very excited
about meeting Mrs. Lavatoire tomorrow.
- Actually I'm more nervous than excited.
President Grimshaw and I
are picking her up out at the airport
and my French is a little rusty.
- May I offer my services?
- Oh, that's a nice touch.
- Oops.
- What's gotten into you?
- Maybe it's the chili.
- Why don't you try some yogurt?
- Good idea.
A word of advice though,
remember to be respectful,
old European grand dames
appreciate that kind of respect.
Let her know that some of us here in the world
are cultured and well bred.
Oh no.
- Greg, you either need a bib or an exorcist.
- I knew it was gonna be a bad day
when the first person I saw was Billy Batson.
Ah.
Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Would you mind if I go home and change?
I think I'm just gonna...
Uh, by the way,
what time should I pick you up at Grimshaw's?
- Hi.
- Billy, do you have your car?
- Right outside.
Uh, need a lift?
- I'll be okay, thanks.
- Why don't we stop off at my place, relax a little?
You could use a little rest, couldn't you, 10 minutes?
It's right on the way.
- Impossible, there are just too many things to check on.
- Well, what do you say?
How 'bout a cup of coffee?
We haven't had a chance to talk since last night.
- To Grimshaw's and no detours,
there's just too much to do.
- Ah, damn alternator.
- What's wrong now?
- Just a little car trouble,
nothing I can't fix.
Sweetheart, I need you for a second.
- My blouse. - Oh no.
- Billy! - No.
- Oh, now I have to go back to the house and change
and I'll never get to Grim's house on time.
- Darn, I know, I know,
we'll go over to my house,
one of the girls must have a blouse your size
and you can try that on
and I'll whip you right over to Grimshaw's.
Ah, here's the short, all fixed.
We'll get you out of that wet thing in no time.
Hey.
- Well, where can I go rinse this off?
- Well, the bathroom's right back here.
- Oh Billy, do you have a robe?
- Sure, got a couple.
Silk or terry cloth?
It's a little dirty.
- Billy, I hope you're not getting
any of your ideas.
- No, no, we're looking for something in a blouse.
I'll be right back.
Rita, what's happening?
- It won't fit you.
- My friends, you know that new song of yours?
Do me a favor,
when I pull that curtain, hit it.
Rita has a blouse, it's a pretty blouse,
I picked it out myself,
she's gonna iron it.
She'll be up in a minute.
- Well I hope so.
I mean I don't have much time
and I don't want to keep President Grimshaw waiting.
- Sit down, relax.
Here, put this on.
You're so tense,
it feels like steel cables in your neck.
Take a deep breath.
- Is she really bringing the blouse?
- She's ironing it.
So it'll be nice and warm and smooth.
Breathe deep.
- Okay, now that does feel kinda good.
- It feels a little bright in here, don't you think?
- Something no good is going on in your room.
He came in here and stole my blouse
and now he's got Maria and the boys out there serenading.
- I know who itis.
This flew out the window.
Look at the monogram.
- Judy Hightower.
He came in here and stole my good blouse
for miss tight ass bossy pants.
Give me that.
Wait, wait, wait, we might be able to hear them.
I can hear everything you clowns do up there.
- You can, everything?
- Everything.
- Later, Billy, there isn't time.
- What are they doing?
- I don't know, I can't hear any noises.
- Do you think they're already-
- Too soon.
He's probably just sitting on the couch next to her
with his arm around her shoulders
and his hand caressing her knee
and now she closes her eyes
and she tilts her head back-
- Is he kissing her?
- Just about to.
- I'm sorry I can't make it to the party tonight,
maybe next time, alright?
- Okay.
- Alright, you take care.
- Bye bye.
What a sweetie.
- Does Billy Batson live upstairs?
- Yeah he does but he's busy.
- That's too bad.
- Who are you?
- I'm his grandmother.
Must be doing something right.
- Go away.
- JPinky] It's Pinky, Billy, open up.
- These guys have great timing.
I'll get rid of him.
I need another hour or two.
- My boy, it's time to go.
- It's the girl, Pinky,
the girl I was telling you about.
- Oh yeah?
- Be a gentleman, come on.
Maybe just one little look,
you don't get a chance like this every day.
- I was just borrowing a robe.
- Nice work, boy, nice work.
- See, you wouldn't want to go either.
- Help!
- Judy, oh honey.
- There you go, darling.
Are you alright, darling?
- My blouse.
Rita, thanks, you're an absolute savior.
- Let me help you with that.
- Yo, is this a party?
- I'll get it, I'll get it. - No, that's alright.
- Thanks so much,
I'll be at my sorority later,
bye everybody.
- Yo, amigos.
- Judy, wait!
- Hey, baby.
- Sandy.
Sandy, have you met my Uncle Pinky?
- No, I haven't.
Geezer, let's dance.
- Took the words right out my mind.
- Cerveza.
- Not married, are you darling?
Got a little cottage for you.
- Let's get down now.
- Whoa, whoa, Judy!
- Oh darn, well thanks, Billy,
I won't be needing you any longer.
- I got nothing planned.
- It's been a long day.
Couldn't we just talk later on?
- Hey there,
why don't you kids come in for lemonade?
- Great idea.
- Thanks, Mr. Grimshaw
but he really has to be going.
- Oh nonsense, come on back.
- Oh remind me to thank him
for the use of his office.
- Oh, up and at 'em, angel.
Don't you have homework to finish?
- Right, homework.
- Hi, Ursula.
Oh, what a cute suit.
- Hi stud.
- Well, punctual as every Judy
and you must be-
- Billy Batson.
- Ah, pleasure to meet you, Billy
Batson!
The Billy Batson
blowing up the student record center last summer and-
- Hey, it was just an accident, nobody was hurt.
Besides, they never pinned it on me.
- Never pinned it on you!
- Let's not bring up the past.
Billy just gave me a ride from school
and he is going to be leaving very soon.
Aren't you, Billy?
- I've got no plans
and didn't I hear something about ice cold lemonade?
- Hi Billy.
- Judy, alone.
Billy Batson in my house,
is nothing sacred?
And I am very surprised to see you with him of all people.
- Well, I thought he would be a good source
of Hog Day information.
Otherwise, I'd never have anything to do with him
but he's being a pest.
- Batson is a walking plague.
- Well at least we can keep an eye on him.
- True, true, true,
ves we don't want the elderly Miss Lavatoire
exposed to this Hog Day nonsense.
Her lawyer sent me these papers this morning.
Let me have a quick look at these
and we're off to the airport.
- Mr. Grimshaw, I hope that the work I have done
for the Endowment Committee is being appreciated.
- Oh, your fine points have been noticed, believe me
and I know you'll win the fellowship.
- Really?
- Well, I've seen the faculty recommendations
and believe me, it's, well within your grasp.
- Oh, I'm so excited.
- Hi stud.
Want to get high?
See that stuff up there?
I never smoke it
but our maid says the top leaves are the best.
- Doesn't your father know about that?
- Yeah he does, it's a wine aphrodisiac.
Here, give me a lift.
Come on.
- All right.
- I didn't expect to see you here today
especially on Hog Day.
- I'm waiting for someone.
- Stand in line, sucker,
my dad's in the den, trying to slap the poor.
He's sure feeling his oats today,
a million dollar in kickbacks
on that new building.
You know who the contractor is?
Uncle Chuck Leabody.
He's the guy that built that horrible new mall.
I wonder what dad's promising her now.
- You got it all figured out, don't you?
- Uh huh, it's not the first time I've seen this happen.
Wise up, you look like you've been around.
- How old are you anyway?
- Old enough, stud.
You know what I call your friend Judy?
No-Nookie of the North.
And even if the human iceberg did put out,
my dad couldn't get it up anyway,
he's going through a midlife crisis.
- Maybe your mother would like to hear you say that.
- Maybe my mother already has.
- Maybe this time she'll wash your mouth out with soap.
- Maybe you'll lean me over your knee and spank me.
- Ursula, what the hell is going on here?
- Dad.
- Sounds like your stepmother's back from the beauty parlor,
go see if she needs some help.
- Help up the stairs, she's smashed again.
- A little out of your age group, isn't she, Batson?
- Nice girl, athletic too.
- Word of the wise, Mr. Hogmeister,
I don't want to see you near my daughter again.
That innocent little flower is my treasure
and God help the man
that tries to take her away form me
before I am ready to let her go.
Do we understand each other,
Mr. seduce their daughters and run, hog?
- Good morning.
Hello, no don't get up please.
I'm going to bed.
- Whew.
Bye.
- Hi stud, want to go for a ride?
- Out.
- Oh come on, bucko,
stop knocking your head against a brick wall.
Anyway, a good looking guy like you
can do better than that.
- Remind me to take you up on that spanking sometime.
- Oh please, Billy, I want to go for a ride.
My dad keeps me locked up every Hog Day.
I mean I really want to be a hog
and make the best hog ever.
- I know you would
and if I were your father,
I'd keep you locked up everyday.
Look, try me again in a few years, okay.
Now out, I gotta run.
- Nobody around here wants to have any fun anymore.
- Aw.
- See you later.
Pan Am flight 102 now arriving from Paris.
Gate seven.
- Where is the old onion?
- Miss Lavatoire?
A-ha.
I am so glad to see you, yes, yes.
I am Robert A. Grimshaw.
- Hi, I'm Judith Hightower.
Did you have a nice flight?
- Hi grandma.
How are you?
- Traffic was murder.
Here, thanks so much.
- Obviously, I'm the victim of a practical joke.
I'll strangle the clown responsible.
- Excuse me, but are you from Lavatoire College?
I think you're expecting me.
I am Madeleine Eloise Lavatoire.
- This reminds me of a place I had in the Bronx.
The South Bronx, on Wallace Avenue.
- Can I help you?
- Oh yeah, I'm expecting to meet Billy Batson here.
- That monster has never set foot in this house.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Oh you can ask, mama.
Like I said, you can ask but it won't do you much good.
- What?
You little tout.
- Hey, hold on a minute there, warden,
what's going on?
- I'll hold on a minute.
I want you out of here, I said out.
Oh.
- Oh, that's where he must be.
A sleeping princess, fantastic.
I think I'll just take a look.
Don't let me disturb you darling.
Oh, I think it's a little too warm for that sweetheart.
We don't need that do we?
That's most interesting.
I hope you don't mind
if Dr. Pinky takes a little looksy.
Oh yes, very nice, very nice.
Oh the prognosis looks very good, very good.
Wait, wait, I'm not finished.
Perhaps I should check some of the other parts.
Oh yes, most interesting, most interesting.
That's it, sleep my princess, sleep.
- Batson.
You mucilaginous dirty-minded neanderthal,
you should be ashamed of yourself,
abusing your powers.
- She was gonna catch cold boss,
I thought I'd try and cover her up.
- There's a woman downstairs,
I believe you've met her.
- Uh-huh.
- Tomorrow morning,
the shopping mall in town is going to collapse.
That poor woman
is going to be one of the unfortunate victims.
I think I'll take you off the Batson assignment
and have you greet her.
- Oh no, no, boss, listen I'll find him,
he was supposed to be here.
- It's your last chance, Batson.
You have until midnight or else.
- Midnight.
- Yes, I'd take care of it myself
if I didn't have the Moore arrangements to worry about.
Well now go on get going.
- I'll find him, I'll find him.
- This is turning out to be such a pleasant surprise.
You see, we expected someone so much older.
- It is perhaps the name.
Madeleine and Eloise are very old fashioned names,
even in Europe.
- Oh nonsense, I think they're lovely names, yes.
Perhaps you'd like to come back to my house now
and rest up before tonight's big ceremony.
- I would rather meet some of the students
and the people who will benefit from my endowment.
- Oh, but you've already met them.
I mean like Judy, students like her,
serious, dedicated hard working men and women like them.
Who are they?
- Exchange students, Mr. Grimshaw.
- Indians, I believe.
- Well, why don't we go say hello?
- Hello, hello, we are very proud of you,
study hard, work good.
Tonight, big party.
Meet ancestor of founder, yes?
Yes.
- Who is that asshole?
- Would you like to see the site of your new building?
- Yes sure.
- Well, I have to go check on the endowment committee,
so I will leave you in the capable hands
of President Grimshaw.
So nice to meet you.
- Goodbye.
- This way please.
You must ignore all this.
It'll be torn down in a couple of days
and right over there you see...
Is that catering truck with the-
- Let's go. - Hogs.
Should have known.
Stop that, hey you!
Stop, hey come back here, hey!
Stop, stop!
- Care for a carrot?
- Batson, I knew it was you!
That's it, Batson, pack your bags, you're expelled,
you hear that?
Oh there you are, angel, this is my daughter Ursula.
- Hi Ursula.
- And this is Miss Madeleine Eloise Lavatoire.
She'll be staying with us for-
- I heard the French model
has got everyone's mojo working around here.
You're okay, we'll have fun, come on.
Can I get you anything, cocktail, joint, candy bar?
Come on.
- Yes, Ursula,
we live a pretty good life in the Swiss convent.
- You mean no records, no TV, no boys?
I'd go crazy after the first minute.
How do you do it?
- Well, we did not have the advantages of American kids.
- What advantages?
I'm like a prisoner here.
My dad keeps me locked up,
I can't even go near the campus on Hog Day.
- What hogs?
Your father was very unhappy today with these hogs.
- Hogs are great, I mean they're party animals.
- Party animals, what's that?
- Yeah, they party down all day,
you know like they get down.
I can't explain it.
If we get out of here, I could show you what it's about.
I can't sit here another minute anyway,
you want to go look for hogs?
- Yes, but won't that make your father angry again?
- He'll get over it.
- Before we go tell me one thing.
- Shoot sister.
- This word Batson, is it a curse?
- Depends on who you're talking to.
Let's go find out.
Thanks, Junior, have a good one.
Yeah, it's just more fun when you get a pervert.
Let's look for some hogs.
- If we meet anyone,
let's not say who I really am.
We tell them I am your cousin from Montreal,
cousin Nina.
- Sure cuz, look there's Batson, you want to meet him?
- I was just curious about the word.
Please, this Batson is nothing to me.
- Oh come on, hey Billy.
Hey Billy, how 'bout giving us a ride,
you know cruise around the campus?
- Sorry, I got other plans.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, your father's looking for you.
- Oh come on, be a sport,
anyway I promised my cousin.
- So how long you gonna be staying with the Grimshaw's?
- I was planning on staying only a day or two.
- She's homesick for Canada.
Didn't I tell you she was from Canada?
Lin has a tragic story, let me tell it.
She lived with a Canadian Grimshaw's
and she was captured by these Eskimos
and she ran away from the igloo
and then she was chased by these polar bears
and this pack of rabid sled dogs
and they followed her all the way to the Hudson Bay
and then Lin, remember that time
you ran away from the convent
and the mounties went after her
and she tried to get to America
just to be on "American Bandstand",
she's a great dancer too
and then she stowed away in a steam ship
and that took her on the Saint Lawrence Seaway.
You know that's one of man's greatest engineering feats,
it was built in 1959
and it gave deep draft ocean going vessels,
well it gave them way to the entire interior continent
of North America,
you know, I did a report on it.
Billy, I think the cops are after us.
What does he want?
We weren't even speeding.
Step on it,
they'll never get us alive.
- I don't think it's about speeding.
It might be a little mistake about the car.
I borrowed it this morning, they probably forgot,
just let me talk to this guy,
I'm sure I can fix it no problem.
- Hey, what are you guys in here for?
- What?
- What are you in here for?
- 'Cause they won't let us out.
- Didn't you call your lawyer?
- I am his lawyer.
- Well, how long have you been in here for?
- Since Moby Dick was a minnow.
- Ah.
- Come on, can't we get some money?
- I don't have enough to spring Batson.
Come on, give me my hat, Ursula,
your dad's gonna be here soon.
- Let me just play with your gun.
- Oh no.
- Ohcomeon, IbetI'ma better shot than you are.
You ever killed a guy?
- No.
- Oh come on, just a few practice shots.
- You might hurt yourself.
And then what'll your dad think?
- Oh come on, I won't shoot anybody.
- No, no.
- Oh come on, I just want to wear the hat.
- Give me my hat.
- You're being a meanie.
- Ursula, what the hell is going on here?
- Hi daddy.
- Get me out of here.
Hey, I'm an innocent man.
Ah, well it's about time
you two bit rinky dink suburban scum sucking flat foot.
You!
- Quiet, do you want them to hear you?
- Yes!
You fascist marionette, listen-
- Shh, you talk too much.
- Is this an escape?
- It might be if you can keep quiet.
- The car was stolen early this morning
from Riverton Hospital,
that's over in Lakeville
and the suspects were apprehended-
- My daughter is not a suspect.
- Yes sir.
Your daughter and the suspect William Batson-
- Batson!
Still have a gallows around here?
If not, I'll buy you one.
- And Miss Lynn Lefleur-
- Obviously another one of Batson's tramp girlfriends.
- I wouldn't know sir, she's not from this area,
French, I think.
- Ursula, I...
French girl about 21, tall honey colored hair,
what!
- Dad, it's not what you think.
She was sweating, we had to get out of the house,
I think she's claustrophobic.
- Why, it's a big house?
- Well, we wanted to go down and get some souvenirs
from the Union Shop, you know, I get a big discount.
- Well, that's reasonable, yes.
Ursula, angel, just what were the two of you
really up to, huh?
- Sir,
you know you've got shaving cream on your face?
- Will you shut up?
So where's the girl?
If you put her in jail,
if you even touch her-
- You let me worry about who's in jail and who isn't.
I told you she wasn't a suspect.
- Any idea who this girl is?
- No sir, I don't, I'm just following procedure.
- Well maybe we should discuss your so called procedures
with the mayor.
- Yes sir.
- Look, forget it.
- How did you get past me?
- I'm gonna borrow another car.
- I will take the wheel.
You are not a lucky driver.
- No kidding.
Where'd you learn to drive anyway?
- In the convent.
- That's good.
- Yes really, in the convent
or getting away from one.
- Where are you from?
- Some place faraway.
- You're not from there are you?
Look, I'm not ready to go,
I gotta have tonight.
- No, Canada, yes?
- You know Pinky Batson?
Stubby little guy, cigar, gray hat,
twinkle in his bloodshot eye?
- Pinky Batson, what a funny name!
No I don't know any Pinky Batson.
Is he a relation of yours?
Then I would like to know him.
- This is it, I'm here.
- This is your house?
- Mmhmm, want to come in?
- Yes, but I should get the car back to my uncle.
- Well can I come with you?
- My uncle will have you thrown in jail again.
- Ah.
- Stay out of sight,
that's my advice for the fugitive.
Go away for a few days.
- But when can I see you again?
How about if I lay low for a few hours
and you take the car back
and can I see you again tonight?
- I'd like that very much
but I have plans for tonight,
plans I'm not going to be able to break.
But tomorrow?
- Uh, no, tomorrow I have plans I can't break.
I'm gonna be leaving very early
and I just wanted something to remember you by.
I don't think we'll get a chance to see each other again.
- I will miss you tonight.
Goodbye, Billy.
- Goodbye.
- Bye mom, bye dad, bye Madeleine.
- Bye Ursula. - Oh have a good time.
- We'll be home early
and I don't want you leaving the house.
- I wouldn't dream of it. - Good.
- Yeah, all right.
- Wow, are you guys in a band,
where you playing?
- Some skunkhole called Lavatoire College.
- You're the band for Hog Day.
- That's right.
Hey.
- Party time!
JOh no?!
- One more year, one more year,
one more year, one more year!
- Enough is enough.
Time for a change.
Hogs and hogettes,
are you ready for the election of the new hogmeister?
Our new candidates!
Please!
Our first contestant,
Lavatoire's very first Rhode Scholar,
ves ladies and gentlemen,
he has a job with the highway department this summer,
Mr. Dick Barducci.
Please, please, no voting
until all the candidates have been announced.
- Of course, those are only a few of my favorites.
But if you ask me which one I enjoyed the most
I'd have to say the Camembert, wouldn't you agree?
- Yes, it really is a very nice town.
- You know, I meant the cheese.
- Would you please excuse us for a moment?
Get over there and tell those morons to keep it down.
- Sir, I suggest we close both those doors-
- Now.
- Yes sir.
Would you excuse me for a moment, mademoiselle?
- And our final candidate
from Cleveland, Edward Yoinker Hamocka.
I don't know my little piggies, I don't know,
looks pretty close.
What do you think we need?
- Run off, run off, run off.
- Oh no.
- Run off, run off, run off.
- No, no, no, I can't take it.
Alright, alright, alright.
A run off.
- Batson. - Remember-
- Batson.
- Okay, now remember, don't vote
until I've given the final signal.
- I only need a minute Batson.
Students, we don't have to make a lot of noise
to have fun, do we?
President Grimshaw has asked me to tell you all
that there is a ceremony going on.
- Yeah, a new hogmeister!
- What's with Batson?
- This is not a true hog.
Bone dry, he hasn't even gone down the slime slide.
- Billy what's wrong?
Snap out of it!
- I'm dead.
- Well you shouldn't have stayed out so late last night.
Did you get any sleep at all?
- I didn't see any bags under Hightower's eyes.
- Not dead tired, dead, deceased, no more.
I was killed last night in a car accident.
- I think maybe we should ease up
on the punch a little, Billy.
- Not dead drunk, dead.
- How about some fresh air?
- You two are terrific.
I want you two to be happy
and think of your old pal Billy Batson
in your old age
when you're sitting in front of your hearth,
in your rocking chairs.
- You're painting a real beautiful picture here Billy
but this guy hasn't even slept with me yet.
- What?
No, you gotta take care of this man
before you lose your chance.
If I were you,
no don't take my advice.
- Hey Billy, it's me Pinky,
didn't recognize me, huh?
- No.
- Look around, don't get caught,
I'll be right back,
she's from Romania, ay caramba.
- This food, this isn't the food that I...
This isn't the food- - Hello.
- Oh hi Judy.
Judy, this is my wife, Dolores Greenbaum.
Dolores Greenbaum, Judy.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Quite a layout you got her.
- Boo.
- Billy, oh, Billy I wish you had dressed a little nicer.
Try not to let Grimshaw see you.
Can I meet you back here in an hour?
- Sure.
- Hi.
- You have met?
- Yeah. - Yes.
- Get everybody up on stage, we're ready.
- Okay, showtime. - Shall we?
- See that man?
When he wanted something he took it,
suffered the consequences later
to go after everything you want tonight.
You got to admire the spirit.
- You like old August?
- It's the original hog.
Before they threw our football team out of the league
they called us the ogs.
We changed the name
but the principle's the same.
Yeah, old August,
and now look what he's left us,
some pathetic old hag who's lining Grimshaw's pockets.
He's taking her to the cleaners on this endowment.
- The endowment is not good?
- Money's only helpful when it goes where it needs to go.
Come on.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
while we're waiting for our guest of honor,
I'm sure you'll enjoy another selection
by our string trio.
Where is that slouzer?
- I can't imagine,
I left her talking with Batson.
- Batson, Batson!
- I want to say so many things to you
but I think I should make a conversation first.
I haven't told you all the truth about myself.
- Forget about your shady past,
I'm not interested in the mistakes
of your wild Canadian youth
driven insane by cabin fever and televised hockey.
It means nothing to me.
- Wait a minute, Billy.
I have something to tell you.
- Excuse me, I don't mean to be a pest
and I know you appreciate this opportunity
to see the campus even it's slimy underbelly
but we're all waiting for you my dear,
our guests are eager to greet you.
- I have some unfinished business
and I will be with you, I promise.
- I have never seen such a sorry sight, Constable,
nothing could disappoint me more.
- Ursula!
- Hi, dad, great party, huh?
You want to boogie?
- You've had quite enough fun for now.
- Calm down.
- Come with me, now.
- Dad.
- Lets see how well our hogs
see in the dark, huh?
- Dad you are such a grouch.
- After you tell me what you wanted to tell me,
I have something that I wanted to tell you.
- I know the only way I can tell you,
come with me to the ceremony.
- There's your party, malcontents.
that building is going down tomorrow,
now get, all of you.
- You need a vacation dad,
come on, let me just go say goodbye to the band.
- Ursula...
Mademoiselle.
No one needs you, Batson.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
Knock it off.
Ladies and gentlemen,
and tonight something we dreamt about for years-
- Your father cut off the light?
- With an ax like some kind of berserk lumberjack.
- Oh no, but what about the party?
- I've got an idea but don't tell dad.
- Good idea.
- Give her, ladies and gentlemen,
a warm and friendly welcome please,
for Miss Madeleine Eloise Lavatoire.
- Thank you, President Grimshaw.
Today I came from Paris to Lavatoire College
to give $12 million-
And tonight I'm very happy to tell you, President Grimshaw
and the distinguished audience
that I have some very good news,
the building will not be built.
I know, this must be very confusing to everybody
but I'd like to explain
so that all of you will be able to understand.
I have nothing against your college.
Thanks to a few people here tonight
my life is changed and will never be the same
but I promised to give the money and I will
but not for another building
that students do not want.
So I will give the money
and we'll build a student activity center
and make Hog Day an official school holiday.
And every year, Hog Day will be celebrated with a party.
And tonight, we start at the home
of our distinguished president Robert Grimshaw.
- A party?
- One moment, ladies and gentlemen, please,
I think there's been a slight mistake.
I know you all appreciate
Miss Lavatoire's continental sense of humor.
Will you sit down please?
Would you close the doors?
Wait a minute, what?
- Now, about that little secret of mine,
you're not gonna believe this.
- Try me, maybe I'll believe you.
- Oh, Madeleine, Madeleine,
why didn't you start throwing away your money last year
or even yesterday?
Okay, now don't laugh,
I've always considered myself a very good driver
so imagine my surprise when last night-
- Hold those.
Hey righteous.
- Dad, there you are,
look, I came to check something out,
when Madeleine moves out
the guest room'll be empty, won't it?
Well I want to know if someone can move in for awhile,
you know someone like Ubbo
and the rest of the guys in the band.
See their other house burned down
and they said it's alright with them,
is it alright with you?
Thanks dad, you're great.
- And he's looking for me
but I think I...
You don't believe a word I said?
- Well he doesn't matter,
if you are a ghost and leaving for heaven tonight,
then you will have a good excuse not to call in the morning
but I'm not worried, not worried at all.
- I'm not either.
Why don't we find some place to be alone?
Come on.
- I'm only in town a few days, sweetheart.
Talking to some financiers.
Billy, just got the word, 12 o'clock,
don't get lost, my boy.
- Okay, Pink.
- Then it's back to New York, sweetie.
- You're a very interesting man.
- Listen my dear, I have a few minutes
and I'd like to talk to you about my fears.
- What do you think?
Huh?
- I don't know.
Do you have any protection?
- Me?
- Hi, excuse me,
great speech, listen Billy,
you still got that thing?
- As a matter of fact...
- Thanks.
Are you gonna be using this room long?
- We were just leaving.
- Good. - Come on, come on.
Maybe we'll have a little more privacy on the roof.
Good night.
- Oh.
Oh, I am so sorry this had to happen.
Is there anything that I can do?
- Water, water.
- What happened tonight wasn't my fault
but you know what,
I think we did make a good impression on her, don't you?
Isn't it funny how things seem to work out?
Mr. Grimshaw, I just want to make sure
that the things that went on today
won't affect my chances
for the Lavertoire Summer at Oxford Fellowship.
- You still want it?
- Oh I want it more than anything,
anything to get out of here.
- There's only one more recommendation you need, mine.
- Ah, watch your step.
- Judy, please.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Constable. - but that kind of behavior
goes against the grain
of the Lavertoire Student Code of Ethics
and is considered pretty offensive by society in general.
- I have a wife anyway.
- Can you believe that he expected me to have sex with him
just for a fellowship?
- He did?
Well I still think you're gonna get the fellowship.
But if you don't, I'd like you to come
and spend the summer with me
at my grandparent's place in Charleston.
- You know, I was afraid that civilization
as we had known it came to an end tonight
but in spite of the way you look,
you're still a gentleman,
I would love to, Greg.
- Oh, you would?
And you won't be bored
‘cause I've invited some of the other hogs
and it's gonna be one hell of a monster hog out.
- Oh my God, it's late.
- Oh, good luck, Pinky,
I hope New York is a big hit.
- Listen, I'm gonna leave a couple of freebies here.
Oh listen, I'm not supposed to do this
but do not go shopping near the mall tomorrow.
- Pinky, you were great.
- They all say that.
- What is it?
- It's the northern lights.
- I don't think so.
- Where's Billy?
- He's on the roof with Madeleine, isn't he?
- Remember what he said about that car accident?
- He can't be.
- He is, Billy Batson is a ghost, look.
- Billy, I don't want you to go.
- Don't cry, Madeleine,
maybe he'll forget about us.
You know, Pinky, he's easily distracted.
- Still true after all these years,
follow the sound of a woman crying,
you can always find a Batson.
Come on, Billy boy, it's time to go.
- Please, don't take him.
- Hey honey, we'd both like to stay
but I don't know if the boy explained it to you or not,
we're due to New York tomorrow at a big meeting,
big Wall Street deal,
the boy's as smart as a whip.
- Save it, Pinky, I told her the truth.
- Oh my God, that's a first,
the Batson blood line must be diluted.
Come on, Billy, we got to go,
get to the hospital, you know.
Come on, come on, we're late, come on.
- Billy, good luck, Billy, wherever you're going.
Do you mind?
- Enough already, enough of this, come on.
- Billy, don't worry about a thing,
everything's under control.
- Alright, crickles.
- Can you handle this?
- Yo, Pinky.
- Come on, let's go, come on.
- Wait for us.
- Come on, come on. - Okay.
- Where's Batson going now, jail again?
- I guess so,
I hear he's got $2,000 in parking tickets
but he'll be back soon.
- Come here, come here.
- Here we are, get ready Billy, three minutes to midnight.
You don't want him to miss this ride, Madeline.
so knock it off, please.
Good luck Rita,
I hope you find your way son.
- Thanks.
- Come on, Billy, come on,
it's time to go, Billy.
We don't have much time.
That a boy, that a boy.
Billy!
Come on, Billy, come on.
We don't have much time, Billy.
That a boy, Billy, come on,
we're almost there.
Come on, Billy.
Come on, come one!
- You're late, you fool.
- I got the boy right here, boss.
- It's too late, we can't take him now, you buffoon.
- Damn it, we missed it, Billy,
it's my fault,
we would've had great times together, kid.
Goodbye, Billy.
- Goodbye, Pinky.
- So long, Billy.
Sorry, Billy, really sorry.
- Pinky.
Help!
- Oh my God, Dr. Stramm. - I can't believe this.
- Am I alive?
Am I back?
Am I dreaming?
- Now no doubt you've experienced
some remarkable visions in your coma
but just let, oh, what's this?
- Batson, you gigantic fraud.
- Hey.
Madeline.
- I was convinced you were dead.
- My man.
- I thought it was all a dream.
- But are you alright, where's Pinky?
- He went back, I didn't make it
but I'm alright now.
Doc, tell 'em where I've been all day.
- Right here in a severe coma since last night
and right now he needs his rest.
- No, I'm alright, I don't need any rest.
They said hog day would kill me but I'm back
and I'm alive because of you.